Operation Eve

June 20th, 11:30pm.

I should be in bed.
It's after 11pm, and I have to be up on the way to Loma Linda Children's Hospital at 5am.
But, I can't sleep.
I have not really let my mind process all that is about to happen, and honestly, I don't think I can do it thoroughly now. I don't want to.
The bottom line is Josiah is having surgery.

I think the hardest part of this operation is that it's not done when we leave the hospital... it's just the beginning.
When he had surgery at 6months old, handing my baby over to the nurses was extremely hard for me. I broke down.
But when we got through that day, and the few days in the hospital, it felt like we had made it through the hard part.
His wounds were covered in casts. I couldn't see what they'd done....

With this one, his foot will be exposed. We will see the pins going through his skin, drilled into his bones. I will have to clean them daily. We will be turning knobs to move the bones. To be honest, it turns my stomach.
I've gotten varied testimonies from moms who've gone through it. One said her son did fine with relatively no pain after the 2nd week. Another mom just told me it was torture for her daughter each night. That same mom just told me that after 2 years, her daughters foot has started to relapse.
THAT is my biggest fear... that all this will be for naught.
Now, I can't say her experience will be ours... her daughter may have problems more severe than Josiah... but no one can know for sure with clubfeet if this or that will be the end-all-be-all procedure.

I do know that this one sounds promising, and that it's the least invasive of our options.

I know that there's no good time for this kind of thing, though, the younger the more malleable the bones.

I posted on FB the other day that I haven't lost any weight since April 23rd.
Upon consideration, it's no coincidence that we found out about Jo's surgery in April.
I've literally pushed any real thoughts about what we're going to deal with out of my head... and I honestly think I've been numbing my stress with food.
Usually I nip emotional eating in the bud. I will occasionally splurge, but usually restrict it to the weekend. I have been giving in to indulgences much more frequently these past 2 months.... I am really, really going to have to start tracking daily, and not just in my head.
I need to actually feel my emotions, and let my mind process instead of stuffing it down.

Anyway...

Josiah is doing remarkably well. He has not acted fearful at all when discussing surgery.
The 2 things that made him tear up was when he asked if I was going to stay with him at the hospital, and when he found out he had to get blood drawn (which he did great with when it came down to it!)

This has been a wonderful opportunity to put our faith into action with him...
I am praying fervently that he experiences God's peace, and that he would have no pain... what a testimony he could have--- I want him to experience God's touch for himself. I want him to know that it was God who helped him.
He keeps saying, "I'm a Christian boy. I know God is going to help me."
I'm afraid if he does have a lot of pain, he'll doubt the Lord's power...

My biggest fear is him being fearful and in pain.
That breaks a mama's heart.

My Jesus... please. Please spare him pain. Keep him safe in the surgeons hands. Bring him through safely. Guide Dr. Nelson and give him wisdom. Anoint every single person who comes in contact with Josiah. Guide their hands, their eyes, their words... Protect my boy, Lord, our boy. I know he belongs to you, and you have great plans for his life. I know you will hold him in your hands. Give him peace and comfort, and joy! Let his little light shine brightly for all around him.
Help John and I, and everyone he sees, to be a strength to him. Help me to keep it together.
Be with Jack & Ava while I'm away, and their caregivers. Let all go smoothly so I can focus on Jo.


Lord, please, protect Josiah. Cause everything to go smoothly. Take away any pain or confusion Josiah may have. Help us to remember our witness.


Thank you for Dr. Nelson, for his heart, for his faith in you. Be with him and his team tomorrow.


Help me rest now Lord, knowing that you are in control.


Amen.